Dying Comets
by Marie de Sade
Summary: After a failed attempt to take out Lucifer, both Castiel's and Lucifer's grace is damaged and the two fragmented pieces end up feeding off each other. After waking up confused and alone, Lucifer in his head, Castiel wanders until his memory pieces itself together enough to find the Winchesters. Soon though Castiel realizes that a deal with the devil always comes with a price.
1. Chapter 1

This was written for Wincestial Big Bang 2013. You can find the art at stefy-coool's livejournal

I want to give a big thank you to my artist Stefy, first because of her great art! But also because I was super disorganized during this and she was very patient c: Now go look at the awesome art! (Art contains spoilers)

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Castiel hasn't always made the best choices.

He loves his brothers and sisters, like any human would love theirs, and rebelling against heaven was the hardest decision he's ever made. Castiel doesn't regret it, though he regret every time he's forced to stab his blade through his brother's heart. Watching the blue of their grace flicker and die kills a little piece of Castiel as well. Still the fate of the world depends on the Winchesters and him being able to stop the inevitable battle between Lucifer and Michael and Castiel is determined not to fail.

Which is why he is less than pleased when he walks right into a trap and finds himself bound in a ring of holy fire.

Meg passes the time with her gloating, edging closer and closer to the angel until Castiel sends a pipe crashing down onto her back. She stumbles across the fire and knocks into Castiel, she's still confident and smug until she's laid over the flames and screaming as Castiel walks across her. He doesn't get far, of course, Castiel was not even five feet from the door when it slams shut and Castiel feels the icy chill that follows wherever his brother goes.

"Clever little angel," Lucifer chuckles behind him. Castiel turns, his angel blade slips out of his sleeve and into his hand.

"I suppose it would be unwise to ask you to simply let me go." Lucifer laughs again and steps towards his little brother which Castiel matches with a step back, unconsciously raising his blade up in defence.

"You know you can't win, right?"

Castiel nods and lets go of the angel blade, Lucifer smirks when it clanks against the stone. Lucifer steps towards Castiel, hand out as if offering a truce but as soon as he's close enough Castiel pounces. Lucifer's still infinitely stronger than Castiel, the element of surprise gave him little advantage and Lucifer barely stumbles against Castiel's sudden weight. Lucifer easily pushes him off and sends Castiel tumbling to the ground. Castiel hears the devil _tsk_ behind him as he shakily raises himself onto his knees. "Castiel, I don't want to hurt you. We don't have to do this."

"If someone doesn't stop you, millions will die."

"Billions," Lucifer corrects, stepping closer and closer, Castiel can feel the way he seems to suck the heat out of the air. "Angels, demons, human. Anything that walks the earth when Michael and I finally start our little 'battle'."

Castiel looks up at his older brother, his tongue darts out to wet his lips and as much as he hates to admit it he starts to lose his nerve. "And you're fine with causing all those deaths?"

Lucifer kneels down next to Castiel, his eyes soften and gently he lays his hand on his brother's shoulder. "I know it's hard for you to understand."

Castiel knocks Lucifer's hand away and scowls. "I understand that you'll destroy a planet to settle a score with Michael."

Lucifer's whole body hardens at Castiel's accusation. "Michael is the one who-"

Castiel's hand darts out and grabs his sword again, he twists around and just barely nicks Lucifer's neck. Lucifer grabs Castiel's hand and squeezes until the angle grunts and drops his blade.

"Don't be stupid," Lucifer chastises and twists Castiel's hands. "Look you've already caused yourself more damage than you have me."

Lucifer runs his hand under the cut that is slashed across Castiel's palm; the wounds drips more blood then grace, a reminder of Castiel's fallen state. Lucifer almost looks concerned as Castiel pulls his injured hand out of his grasp and looks between the blood on his palm and the blue wound on the devil's neck. "Going against you, it's a suicide mission."

Lucifer nearly smiles, a brother that stands with him is one he doesn't have to take down, but when Castiel's eye darken the sinister meaning of Castiel's words becomes clear. Before the devil can react Castiel slaps his hand onto his neck, pressing their open, grace pouring, cuts together.

An angel's grace is strong, all-encompassing and capable both destroying and creating but when an angel falls it becomes something else. A fallen angel's grace is above all things unstable and like an unattended science laboratory it just takes one little mishap to send into an uncontainable explosion. Castiel and Lucifer are still both angels but cut off from The Host it leaves their grace aching for a connection to replace it. Yet with Castiel's grace as corroded as it is as soon as it touches Lucifer's it breaks apart. Shattering into an explosions unseeable to the human eye but Castiel can hear Lucifer screaming even as everything goes black.

_Castiel wakes up to a garden, it's lush and green and dazzling. He pushes himself up to his knees, soft dewy grass brushes against his palm, and leans against the tree behind him. He looks around at the hordes of animals running around him, a tiny lamb darts in front of a lion who pays him little attention instead the beast just twists onto his back and lounges in the sun._

"_This is a fine mess you've gotten us into." Castiel glances up to the branches hanging over his head where a shadow is obscured amongst the leaves. Castiel climbs to his feet and moves to the other side of the tree where he can better see the man, though he can make out little more than blond hair and a smug grin. _

"_Who are you?"_

"_I must say, I did not see that coming," the voice muses. He reaches up to another branch and yanks an apple off its stem. "It's not often I'm caught off guard."_

_The voice is pulls at Castiel's memory, he recognizes it as the one that tried to calm him in the church but he feels that it goes deeper than that. "Do I know you?"_

"_Intimately," he answers, though Castiel senses a mocking tone. "Here."_

_The apple is tossed down and Castiel barely catches it before it falls on his head. He holds it in his hands, carefully turning it over and examining the fruit, it's shiny and spotless and he takes a hesitant bite. A foul taste hits Castiel tongue and he spits out the apple, he looks down out the fruit in his hand and finds it soft and black. "It's rotten."_

"_Well, I didn't make you eat it."_

Castiel's eye's snap open, hand fly up to his mouth where there is still a lingering slimy taste in his mouth. He looks around and finds himself alone, caked in dirt from the ditch he found himself in. He tries to push himself up but his hand slips and he crashes back into the puddle, his face striking the mud with a slick _slip_.

Spitting out a mouthful of dirt, he manages to twist out of the ditch and tries to wipe off as much of the mess as he could. Castiel looks left and right but all he can see is miles of empty road and after a moment of hesitation he turns left and makes his way to whatever may be down there. He isn't sure how long he walked for, the sun started off high in the sky and slowly descends behind the horizon. The mud dries uncomfortably on his skin, cracking and peeling every time he moved a muscle. Behind him, Castiel hears the crunch of gravel and a clunking engine before a dust cloud blows in next to him.

"You okay, honey?" A voice asks through the brown smoke.

Castiel blinks against the dry burn in his eyes, the dust starts to settle and he finds a woman looking at him from inside a beat-up red truck. "I don't know."

The woman raises an eyebrow and gives his dirty body a once over. "Well, do you need a ride into town?"

Castiel's gaze follows down the road to where she points, it still all seems so empty. "I will walk."

"It's another thirty minutes _driving_, sugar. You'll never make it before dark." Castiel answer is too just stare silently back at her, his mind is fuzzy and part of him says he doesn't want a ride and he doesn't _need_ to walk but it stops short of giving him another alternative. The stranger gives him a sympathetic smile, reaches behind herself and opens the door. "Come on, it's no trouble."

Castiel nods and climbs in, she smiles at him in the rear view mirror and they begin to roll down the bumpy road. "My name Alice."

"Nice to meet you," Castiel replies as he watches the blurry dessert whiz by.

"And you?" Alice asks after a stretched out silence. "What's your name?"

"Oh, I don't know," he answers nonchalantly.

"You don't know your own name?"

"I don't think so." He racks his memory for a name but he can't even remember where he was this morning. The car grows silent, Alice was kind enough not to press the issue and he searched his mind for an answer. "I think it may be Castiel."

"Castiel, huh?" She says with a tiny laugh. "That's a unique name."

"Is it?"

Alice shoots him a strange look in the rear-view mirror but she quickly changes the subject. "You know, I have a son around your age."

"Doubtful," he says to himself.

"I'll bring you around to The Good Sheppard, the church has a back room that we use as a shelter. Gets pretty full in the winter but it's empty now so you get it all to yourself." She smiles though Castiel isn't sure what the benefit of being all alone would be. "You can shower and get your clothes washed."

"That's very kind of you." Alice flicks the radio on and they spend the rest of the ride in silence with soft country filling the truck instead. Eventually the barren wasteland starts to give way to little patches of grass and then a small town comes into view. It's a simple place, rows of houses all built around a steeple in the centre. Alice stops at an old convenience store and comes back with some bottles of water and a wrapped sandwich.

"Here," she hands him the items as she climbs back into the truck. "You look hungry."

He isn't but he takes the water and food regardless, chewing on the tasteless sandwich and washing it down with warm water while they drive towards the church. "That store's food leaves something to be desired but one of the Sisters can whip you up something homemade tonight."

"That won't be necessary," Castiel tells her, knowing that he didn't need or particularly want any more food.

"Nonsense, there isn't anything else for them to do," she laughs. Alice parks the car and hops out, opening the door for Castiel and leading him into the church. An uneasy feeling hits Castiel as soon as he crossed the threshold but he tries to ignore it as Alice ushers him to the basement and into a gymnasium. "The showers are just in here."

She flicks on the lights and crosses the gym, sneakers squeaking with each step, and swings the door open to a room full of shower stalls. Alice pulls over a laundry hamper and _tsks_ when she finds the hangers empty of any towels. "The boys must have used all our towels after their basketball game. Well no matter, just hop in I'll have someone bring you some."

"Yes." Castiel reaches up and starts to unbutton his shirt but Alice raises her hands to cover her eyes and he pauses.

"Whoa there!" She laughs nervously. "Wait till the lady leaves the room."

"Apologies." Castiel's hand drop awkwardly to his sides and he's no longer quite sure what he's supposed to do.

"It's okay, just put your clothes in here and we'll clean them up for you." Alice points to the hamper then gives him a firm pat on the shoulder. "We're having a service later, if you're interested in coming."

"Of course." Alice beams at his answer before she turns to leave. Castiel waits till he can no longer hear her squeaky footsteps before he begins to undress again. He drops his coat and suit into the hamper, he struggles with the tie before he manages to yank it over his head and tosses it with the rest. It takes some fiddling to work the nobs on the shower, first it was scolding hot and then icy cold, but he's eager to get all the dust and mud off his skin. The water becomes a mucky brown as he scrubs his skin clean, leaving a mass of bubbles across his body.

When Castiel has washed off all the filth, he leans back against the porcelain tiles and lets everything settle in. A few hours ago he had woken up in a ditch, dazed and confused, and now he is in the middle of nowhere with little else beside a name and a heavy feeling.

"Um," a soft voice rings out across the empty room. Castiel pulls the curtain back and the intruder quickly spins around to avoid Castiel's naked form. "Oh uh, I was just dropping off these towels."

A young man stands by the door with towels in hand, dressed in black robes and most likely walked out of the seminary and straight into The Good Shepard. Castiel senses the man's uneasiness and pulls the curtain back into place, he sees the shadow of the man through the curtain as he approaches. A hand reaches into the shower and hangs a towel on a hook before quickly withdrawing. Castiel takes it and wraps it around his waist before exiting the shower and nodding toward the young priest. "Thank you."

"Your other clothes are being cleaned, I took some clothes from the donation bin for you to wear." He carefully lays out a pair of jeans then places a worn t-shirt and faded sweater on top. "You can keep them if you'd like."

"I have clothes."

"You'll certainly need more than one set of clothes," he laughs but Castiel's lips turn up in an almost sneer. This man's offered him clothing, a place to stay, and a kind attitude but Castiel doesn't like him. Something inside him calls him a fool and he wants to get as far away from him as possible.

"These will do for now."

"I'll just leave you to get dressed then." His face lights up with a kind smile before he turns and leaves. Castiel drops his towel to the ground and picks up the jeans, rubbing the worn fabric before he slips them on. When he reaches for the shirt he catches his reflection in the mirror and freezes with the steamy image looking back at him. The glass began to drip as the fog collected and cooled on it, it distorted the image of a confused man painted across it. The picture moved with Castiel and yet seemed so foreign and it didn't really feel like his body, more like the body of a stranger.

Castiel blinks and it breaks the spell that kept his eyes glued to his reflection. He finishes dressing and the finds the priest waiting for him outside the door. He leads him to the dining hall where Alice is laying out cutlery. "Well you look much better!"

"My clothes are being washed," Castiel explains, wanting to make sure everyone knew that he wanted his clothes back.

"Plenty of time to eat while you wait," She smiles. Castiel helps set the tables and people start to file in, mostly clergymen and people in the choir, they all raise a brow at the stranger and none of them come to talk to Castiel. Alice tries to chat with him while they eat but Castiel doesn't have much to say. He picks at the food in front of him, not hungry but wanting to please the woman next to him he tries to nibble on some of it.

"Where are you from?" Alice asks as people begin to finish their food and leave.

"I am not from anywhere."

"We all come from somewhere," She laughs. "Do you have anywhere you need to be?"

Castiel nods thoughtfully. "Yes, though I am not sure where."

Alice puts her hand on top of Castiel's and Castiel does his best not to pull away from the concerned touch. "I can bring you into the city after the service. You can come to it if you'd like."

"I have nothing else to do, I suppose."

"Great!" She rises to her feet and picks up their dishes, Castiel sits and waits for her to put their plates away before he follows her out of the room. She leads him back into the gym and the priest from before is waiting there with a handful of a clean blue suit and a wrinkly trench coat. Castiel takes his clothes and changes in the bathroom, leaving his borrowed vestments where ever they happen to fall.

When they walk into the sanctuary it's already nearly full, the young priest goes up to the pulpit with an older looking man in a white robe. Alice leads him to the front row and pats the soft cushion on the bench, Castiel sits down and takes out a hymn book because there is nothing else to today. The sit in content silence while they wait and then in a sudden boom the choir starts, a wave of sweet sound fills the room.

Castiel follows Alice; when she stands, he stands, when she nods thoughtfully during the sermon, he mimics her, when she sings, he hums along to words he doesn't know. The organ ends on a low, rumbling note and everyone bows their head in prayer, the priest speaks softly to them and they answer as a thunderous group. They begin to file out of the pews and Castiel thinks it's over but they form a line in the centre of the church.

"Are you catholic?" Alice asks as they step in line.

"I-"

"Don't know, yes, I'm beginning to see a pattern." Her voice drops down to a hushed whisper. "Well if you ain't catholic, you're supposed to skip this. So you should decide what you are before you reach the front."

Castiel nods and Alice turns back around. The line shuffles, the man at the front kneels and the priest gives him a drink from the chalice in his hand. It seems like quite the wait just for a little sip of wine, Castiel doesn't understand what is so special about something he saw being sold in a corner store. Nonetheless when he reaches the front of the line he kneels down just as everyone else had.

Castiel stares blankly at the cup in the man's hand, before he kneels down on the step as he has seen the others do. The old man smiles and speaks soft words to him before he raises the cup up to Castiel's lips, the thick, cool liquid pours down his throat. There was a split second were it offered a soothing comfort before it turned to a burning pain. Castiel's hands dart out and slap the cup away, it clunks to the ground and the wine splatters on the priests white robes. The burning grows worse and worse till Castiel is clawing at his throat.

The other people in the church try to help him, try to lift him to his feet and someone brings him water. He downs it in one gulp but it does nothing to ease the pain and when the others see the smoke pour out from between his lips they all step back.

"What…" one woman trails off. The windows begin to shake and Castiel feels something warm move inside him, as if suddenly all he can see is blue. Lights flicker, candles blow out and people start to scream around him.

_You should stop before you hurt someone._ A voice rings through his mind. It doesn't take away from the panic racing through him, it is barely a whisper among the screeching crowd trying to rush out. The voice gently shushes him and Castiel tries to respond to it but all that comes out is a choked sob. Sharp pieces rain over him, he opens his eyes to see the stained glass windows shatter one by one and the tiny shards spray out and cover the church.

He is alone now, save for the voice that whispers too him, the pain slowly reseeds and he slumps to the ground. The pain of the hundreds slivers of glass slicing into his skin is nothing compared to the burning he had experiences seconds before. He can feel a wave of exhaustion roll over him but he fights off the pull of sleep, not wanting to return to the strange place he was before. It's a battle he looses

_There's dust everywhere. It burns Castiel's eyes and blinds him, wind rushes past his ears till it's all he can hear. He curls in on himself in an attempt to protect his eyes from the sand storm that whips over him. A loud voice booms through the desert._

_**Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground.**_

_The storm slowly dies down and he hesitantly peaks over his arms, not unsurprisingly there isn't much but an ocean of sand around him. He pushes himself up onto his knees and tries to blink the tiny grains of sand away, but when he rubs his hand over his face he leaves a slick trail behind. He looks down at his hands and finds them covered in red, a colour that spreads up his arms and paints his chest. He sucks in a panicked breath and stumbles back, his hands lands on something soft and he turns over to stare at the body, his entire face covered in blood. Beneath the crimson paint is blond hair and blue eye, a pain pulses out in Castiel's mind as it tries to remember where he's seen that face before. The longer he thinks the more intense the pain becomes, as if a thousand tiny needles are pushed into his brain. He almost has it, he almost know, but the throbbing gets to be too much and his weak body crashes down against the corpse._

A sirens screams out and jerks Castiel awake, the sun is still shinning so he could not have been asleep long.

_I find it a little unsettling that you dream of killing me._

"Who," Castiel breaks into a coughing fit and staggers onto his knees. "Who are you?"

_You've forgotten me so soon, little brother?_

"Brother?" Castiel coughs and uses one of the pews to help pull himself to his feet. "I don't have a brother, I don't have anything."

_You've caused quite a commotion._ The voice ignores Castiel and chuckles at the destruction around them. Castiel looks around the church; shattered glass shines brightly across the floor, many of the pews have been utterly destroyed and their remnants are splintered alongside the blown out stained glass windows.

"What is all this?" Castiel voice is hoarse and he's hit with the memory of screaming and clawing at his throat.

_This is why I generally avoid such places._ Castiel's fingers curl against his scalp, harshly tugging at his hair as if he might be able to pull that voice out. It speaks so casually while Castiel struggles to comprehend how he could have caused such destruction. _It seems you have an audience._

Castiel stumbles to the door, leaving behind the once magnificent chapel that now barely stands. He can hear noises on the other side and even though the doors look large and heavy me manages to open it with one quick pull. Squinting against the bright light he takes an unsteady step outside the church. A crowd has gathered in front of the building which is fenced off behind a barricade of police cars and yellow tape. Alice and the priest are talking to two officers who try to take notes as quickly as the panicked statement is blurted out.

"Look!" Someone in the crowd shouts, a lone finger pointing out among the huddled mass. A hush follows as everyone's head snaps towards Castiel. Everything seems to freeze for a moment before one of the police officers slowly raises his gun and then the other quickly follow. The people he recognizes from the church service all shrink back and Alice has disappeared into the crowd.

"Sir, put your hands on your head and slowly walk towards the police car," A gruff voice sounds to his left.

_My, my, they do not seem pleased to see you._

"What did I do?"

"Sir, this is the last time I ask you." Castiel's eyes dart between all the officers that are aiming their guns at him. "We have been authorized to bring you in through whatever means necessary.

_Please, he must think you an idiot._

"Just be quiet," Castiel demands of the voice.

"No, you need to listen," the officer raises his voice, thinking Castiel had been talking to him.

_Close your eyes, little one._

"What?"

"One," the officer begins.

_Close your eyes and picture another place. Anywhere but here._

"How will that help?"

_Just do it, trust me._ Castiel does not trust this voice that suddenly appeared but he also no he has no other choice at this point. He closes his eyes and the image of green grass and pink flowers suddenly comes to mind. It's fuzzy and ill-defined but he recognizes it and knows it's a safe place.

_Perfect. Now, just imagine yourself there._

"Two."

Castiel's mouth twitches slightly at the absurd request but obliges regardless.

"Three."

A thunderous bang sounds and Castiel quickly ducks down to avoid the impact but his hands land on soft, wet grass. Opening his eyes he finds the church and crowd replaced with laughing children and worn benches.

"You okay, mister?" A soft voice asks behind him. Castiel flips over and stares at the tiny little girl standing behind him, looking at him with both curiosity and apprehension.

"Cynthia!" Shouts another child from the group collected by the pond. "Don't talk to strangers!"

Cynthia steps towards Castiel, hands tugging nervously at her purple Dora shirt. Her foot nudges at Castiel's leg trying to push an answer out of him. "Should I go get a grown up?"

"I'm fine," Castiel manages to gruff out, mind still numb from the shock of his sudden change in scenery.

The young girl's nose crinkles in doubt. "You sure? My baby sitter knows CPR."

_They're so cute at that age._ The voice laughs softly.

"Don't speak to me."

"I was only gonna help you," Cynthia frowns. She huffs out a breath before she spins on her heels and hurries back to her group, her long curls bouncing with eat step.

"Not you," Castiel says but the child is already out of hearing range.

_I help you escape those awful people and you tell be to quiet. Clearly heaven never taught you any manners._

"How…How did this happen?" Castiel rises to his feet and spins around, awed at the peaceful park he found himself in when he was close to death moments ago. "What's wrong with me?"

_Why would you think anything is wrong with you?_

"I must have been-" a strange look from a passerby makes Castiel lower his voice, "hallucinating."

_Hm, your head must be more rattled than I thought._

"And I hear voices," Castiel mumbled to himself.

_I was referring more to your apparent amnesia._

"I do not have amnesia."

_You don't remember who I am and you certainly don't know who you are._

"I know who I am," Castiel scoffed. "I am Castiel."

_Well, that's a start at least._


	2. Chapter 2

_Dreaming is always so disorienting, sometimes when he sleeps it's just an endless darkness but dreaming always jars him into some strange reality. He has no idea how he ended up there and there's always a lull before his mind clues into what's happening._

_He's there again, this time tied up and laid out on a stone, Castiel stands over him with his hand raised and wrapped around a knife. He doesn't even flinch at the knife looming over his head, A lazy smirk splits across his lips. "We're not going to go through the whole book now, are we?"_

_Castiel grip tightens over the hilt of the blade, he wills himself to finish the job but his hand shakes. "Don't back down now. Finish it."_

"_I don't know if I can," Castiel admits but he doesn't lower the knife._

"_Of course you can," his eyes harden even if the smirk on his lips stays . "You've done it once already."_

_Castiel squeezes his eyes shut and tries to strengthen his resolve but before he as soon as he's made his choice another hand wraps around his wrist. He opens his eyes and finds a dirty blond man holding on to him, white wings fanned out behind him and he's speaking to him but Castiel doesn't hear him. Something flashes behind his eyes, his mind floods back to something on the brink of his memory where he's holding a knife to his brother as well. A struggle, pain, a flash of light and then- and then-_

"Oh God," Castiel gasps awake. He looks down at his shaking hands that are thankfully weapon free. "That was me."

_It's all starting to come together, is it?_

"I-" Castiel tries to swallow the lump that forms in his throat. A lady with a child in tow crosses the street to avoid the crazy man on the bus stop bench. "I killed you."

_Well, you tried._ He responds rather bored.

"What would I do that?" Castiel rises to his feet and turns into the small wooded area so people won't hear him talking. "I tried to kill you, I tried to kill my brother."

_It's complicated._

"No, no," Castiel shakes his head, his fingers tangle up in his hair and tug, trying to make sense of his new memories. "How could I-"

_Sh, don't get yourself worked up all of a sudden._

"But-"

"Hey buddy, you alright?" Castiel spins around and nearly knocks into the man behind him.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Seem a little edgy."

_Castiel, it's time to go._

"Maybe I could help you out," the man grins. He reaches for Castiel, one hand in the pocket of his hoodie.

_Castiel._

Castiel tries to move back but the man suddenly whips out a shiny black pistol. Castiel freezes and raises his hands on reflex but the man's hand twitches in response, a shot rings out and Castiel feels a sudden sharp pain in his shoulder. The pain doesn't last long, it's replaced with something else, something strange, his whole body seems to grew numb and his vision dims.

"What are you doing?" Castiel gasps.

"I'm robbing you, you little shit. Give me your wallet or the next bullet goes somewhere important."

A growl sounds in his head and everything goes fuzzy, yet still his body moves, lunges toward the man with the gun. It goes off again but he doesn't feel it, he just watches as his hands move of their own accord and pushes the man into a tree.

"AH!" The man screams when his head gets slammed into tree, bark splitting against the force. Castiel tries to protest what's happening, knows that that voice has found a way to take his body over. As hard as he tries he can't say anything, can't stop the hands that grip the man's head, can't stop the quick snap that breaks his spine and ends his life.

Standing over the body Castiel slowly regains feeling in his fingers, his hands, his arms. He's back in control of his body but he in a way he still feels numb, if we hadn't been a killer when he woke up then he was now.

_He was hurting you_. The voice tells Castiel. _I had to do something._

***_It's hot. That's the only way Castiel can think of to describe it yet it's horribly lacking. It's an all-encompassing burning , it covers every inch of him and he can barely breath inside it. _

"_Now, this is more my scene," the blond next to him hums. _

"_What is this?" _

"_Hell." He slips his hands into his pocket and looks over at Castiel. "Do you remember what that is?"_

_Castiel nods slowly. "I believe so."_

"_We're getting somewhere then at least." Castiel doesn't understand how he can tolerate the heat and still look so composed, Castiel can practically feel flames licking at his skin and it's almost unbearable. He's just about to ask how they are supposed to get out of there when a light bursts out and blinds him, it drenches the whole place in a blue light and a loud bang follows it._

_When it finally dies down and Castiel opens his eyes, there's a stream of blue shinning down from smoky sky down to some far off point._

"_I need to go there," Castiel says suddenly. Something in the back of his mind snaps awake and pulls him toward that light. "I need to find-to find someone."_

"_Oh, please tell me that we won't be reliving the entire forty years you spent looking for that boy."_

"_Boy?" Castiel asks looking back at him. "Do you know who he is?"_

"_We both do," he tells him. "If you pushed yourself a little more you could remember everything."_

_Castiel frowns and looks over to that glowing light in the distance, it tugs at something in his chest, it wants him to find it but a part of Castiel was still too afraid to follow. "I've done…bad things."_

"_Have you?" He steps up to stand next to Castiel, watching the blue light that has Castiel so transfixed. _

"_I must have, for this to happen."_

_His brother snorts, "you'd be surprised how often the punishment doesn't fit the crime."_

_Castiel tries to walk down the hill they're standing on but a hand on his shoulder pulls him back. "I need to go."_

"_You won't find him here." He leads Castiel away from the light and his hands slips over his should and down his black. "You know what you want now, go get it."_

"_I'm trying to," Castiel says a little too harshly but his brother shrugs it off._

"_Stop trying to live out your life in here. Everything you need is out there, this is just a dream, just a memory, and you won't gain anything from reliving it."_

_Castiel is pulled close against the other man, the chill that radiates off him is the only relief he has from the inferno around them. He instinctively leans into his touch and his brother wraps his arm over Castiel's waist._

"_So snap out of it," he whispers against Castiel's lips_

Castiel snaps awake, nearly hitting his head on the concrete above him. "I remember."

_Fantastic. _

"I need to find him."

_We better get started then._ He tells him, though he doesn't sound all that enthused about the idea.

"I need to find…"Castiel pauses and tries to recall a name. "Whoever he is."

_With that vast amount of information, we should find him in no time._

Castiel resists rolling his eyes at him. "Do you know who we're looking for?"

_We? I never agreed to do any of this, I am just forced to come along for the ride._

"Brother."

_I _do_ know who he is._

Castiel waits for him to continue but is met with only stony silence. "Are you going to tell me?"

_No._

"Well why not?" Castiel huffs annoyed.

_Because, in the long run, that wouldn't be helping you_. He says softly, as if worried Castiel might have another break down. _You need to do this on your own._

Whatever faith he had in Castiel was clearly misplaced. Castiel had tried everything he could think of to remember who had caused that light to break through the smoky black of hell. He tries to sleep, in hopes that another dream will bring a new memory but each one is more unhelpful than the last.

One day he walks by a billboard with a phone number splashed across it and it sparks something inside him. A series of numbers flash across behind his eyes, _5196660586_, no that's not right, _8665015960, _no, no that's still wrong. He sits next to an old muddy stream that day, his finger digs into the dirt and writes hundreds of combinations hoping that one might suddenly jump out as the one he needs. The moon is already past its prime when he hears a sigh and the voice pipes in. _Perhaps you could find a better way to do this._

"I think I almost have it," Castiel nods to himself. He has mud caked up to his elbows, on his shoes, his clothes, smears of it across his face. An hour ago a group of teenagers chose to cross the dirty stream instead of walking anywhere near him.

_I know I said you needed to do this on your own_, the voice sighs, _but I am starting to get a little bored._

"I am trying my best," Castiel grumbles.

_Perhaps I could point you in the right direction._

"Oh, now you'd like to help?"

_You remember how you escaped those hairless apes at the church? _Castiel nods. _Well, let's start with that._

Castiel sighs and closes his eyes, he tries to picture where he wants to go but he can't find that place. He can imagine the fiery pit from his dreams, though he hardly wants to go there. Instead he tries to focus on the light he saw there and the gentle pull he felt towards it. Even that seems to be a useless endeavor and Castiel frowns. "This is pointless."

Something splatters against his cheek and in the split second it takes him to open his eyes he's already soaked with the torrential downpour of rain. He finds himself in dark parking lot, unfortunately still in a muddy puddle, but he can instantly feel the tug in the bottom of his heart.

_Not quite there, little one._

"Where am I?" Castiel grimaces. He climbs to his feet and tries to scrape off some of the dirt encrusted against his skin. The voice doesn't answer him and Castiel spins in slow circles trying to decide where to go next. The harsh glow of the overhanging sign tells him that he's at a Motel 6 and when he looks at the row of rooms all lined together he just seems to know he's close to whatever he's supposed to find. Still there are a lot of rooms and he doubts each one would open for him.

While people dart from their car doors to their rooms with newspapers and coats acting as subpar cover from the rain, Castiel walks slowly between the cars, trying to decide which door he should try. It all seems like a hopeless endeavor until he spots an oversized, black car near the very back of the parking lot. Running his fingers over the shiny metal of the trunk he felt a jolt of recognition, something too small to place but it was definitely something he had seen before. He turned to the right and looked at the door with _86_ hammered against the pale yellow paint.

_Looks like you found him_, Castiel can feel the amusement in the other man's voice. _And it only took you a few months of wandering the country to do it_.

Castiel hesitantly steps towards the hallowed door, behind it was the missing piece of himself and he was so close to it that everything seemed a little unreal. At the same time it created a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. What if wasn't what he wanted? What if it didn't fix him? Worse yet, what if it was exactly what he needed but Castiel had fallen so far that he was now unrecognizable.

_Oh, don't be such a drama queen_. The voice chastises. Castiel's jaw clenches and he stands in front of the door, building up the nerve to find out what was behind it. _Perhaps you could try knocking?_

Castiel raises a shaky hand and gently raps on the rough wood. He stands silently waiting as the seconds stretch out and he is about to try knocking again when the door swings open.

"Yeah, what-" the man cuts himself off when he sees Castiel standing, dirty and wet, in his door way.

Castiel opens his mouth to say something but his mind draws a blank, there are a thousand things he could say but they all seem lacking. Yet he instantly knows he picked the right door. He feels a piece of his grace spark with the sight of this man and his mind lights up with a memory. He's back in the pit he dreamed of, it's hot and dark and there's _red_ everywhere, all he sees is a flash of green eyes before the blue of his grace drowns out all the vile things around them. It lasts a mere second but it cements that this is it, the man in front of him is what he's been looking for.

"Who is it Dean?" Someone calls out from behind the green-eyed man.

"Cas…" Dean breaths. Castiel's head tilts to the side as he studies the man in front of him. He's taller than Castiel, green eyes and stubble on his jaw. Dean looks surprised to see him, even a little spooked but under all that he just looks tired. There are lines on his face that shouldn't be there, Castiel thinks he's too young for them, and bags under his eyes.

Another man comes up behind Dean, he's taller, with darker skin and he looks just as worn out as Dean does. His eyes are different, even though they both have the same tired look to them, his eyes still seem to hold a brightness that Dean's just don't anymore. The taller one pushes past Dean when he sees Castiel, clearly just as shocked to see him as Dean was. "Castiel."

It clicks who they're talking about. "Oh, that's me."

"What?" Dean asks trying to shove Sam back so he can get closer.

"I am Cas." He nods to himself. The two men stare at him and it makes him doubt the connection he made. "Aren't I?"


	3. Chapter 3

Dean takes him inside and dries him off, Sam brings him new clothes which Castiel assumes are Dean's. Neither of them speaks but they keep giving each other these strange looks and Castiel knows something isn't right. _Something's always wrong with the Winchesters._

"They seem nice," Castiel says tugging at the too long sleeves that hung over his fingertips.

"What?" Sam asks. Castiel looks over to where the brothers were now staring at him, Dean looks suspicious and Sam looks concerned. Castiel remembers that the people around him don't hear the voice like he does and now that he's with something he'll have to stop communicating out loud.

"I said you seem nice." Sam and Dean exchange a perplexed look but go back to what they were doing.

_Well, that was close._

_**I know these two**_. Castiel thinks to himself. And sits on the threadbare couch. _**I've spent all this time trying to find them**__._

_Yes, the little puppy trying to find his way home._

_**That…that isn't very nice.**_ Castiel tells him, surprised at the voice's sudden turn.

"So, um…" Sam trails off and stand up, his chair scrapping loudly against the old floor. "Cas-"

"That's me," Castiel nods and smiles. Sam's smile drops, he almost looks saddened at Castiel's words which perplexes the angel, this was supposed to be a happy reunion.

"Right," Sam coughs. "We think it's great you're back."

"I am happy to be here," Castiel smiles softly.

"It's just…" Sam looks over his shoulder at his brother. "We're wondering how you got here?"

"I walked," he answers and then after a moment of thought added. "Though, I flew mostly."

"He mean, how are you still alive?" Dean clarifies with a small eye roll. "We thought were got barbequed."

"Oh." Castiel picks at a loose string on his sleeve. He didn't like thinking about what happened in that old building, what he'd done to his brother, it still sent a surging hot pain through his veins.

Both Sam and Dean are silent for a long stretch, waiting for Castiel to say something else, before the older brother presses him. "Well?"

"I don't remember much," Castiel's eyes stay focused on that tiny string that refused to come loose. "I was surrounded by fire, then I wasn't, then everything became bright and then I woke up on the side of a road."

"Surrounded by fire? You mean like a ring of fire, as in some one angel-trapped you?" Dean stood up and walks up to the couch. "How'd you get out of that?"

"I don't remember!" Castiel suddenly snaps. Dean gives him a startled look and Sam's eyebrows disappear under his bangs. Castiel quickly reverts back into himself, bringing his knees up his chest and eyes dropping to the floor. "It…hurts to remember."

Dean's mouth opens, clearly not happy with that answer but Sam jumps in to stop him. "It's okay, Cas. Maybe you just need some time to settle in, I bet you've have a pretty rough time."

Castiel nods slowly. "Thank you, Sam."

"But-" Dean tries again.

"Dean, can I talk to you outside?" Sam grabs Dean's shoulder and pushes him towards the door, leaving Castiel alone with his thoughts.

"They seem like a strange duo."

_Years of co-dependency will do that to you._

The next few days pass in relative silence, save for all the hushed conversations Dean and Sam have whenever they think Castiel can't hear them. Castiel continues his tendency to just fall down and sleep whenever the need strikes him, he doesn't even try to keep to the Winchester's schedule of four hours nightly. Now that he's found the brother his mind isn't trying to urgently push and pull him, his dreams are much more pleasant and filled of peaceful times with his brother. Neither Dean nor Sam ask about the events that lead Castiel to disappear, something the angel is immensely grateful for. He dreads telling them that he tried to kill his own brother, sure that to the Winchesters that must be the worst crime imaginable.

It's a quite Tuesday afternoon when Sam grudgingly agrees to head over to the covenant a few towns over to dig for more information on the ghost they're hunting. The older Winchester stays behind to keep an eye on the girl they think will be the next victim and Sam promises to be back in a day or two. Dean lays out everything they already have on the table and taped to the wall. He explains it all to Castiel who nods even though he doesn't hear a word of it.

_**That's very sad, to be trapped on earth like that.**_

_Better than the alternative._

_**Do you think Dean has ever tried reasoning with a ghost?**_

_You can't reason with a ghost. It's hard enough to reason with a living one._

_**You don't seem to like them very much.**_

_I don't like _anybody_._

Castiel silently shakes his head and when Dean sees it he back tracks and goes with a different theory about whose really haunting the museum. _**I've spent so much time looking for these two, I had thought there would be more…revelations. **_

_What you don't find Dean's critique of pies to be invigorating? _

_**I still don't remember much.**_

_Maybe you just don't want to remember._

_**That's ridiculous,**_ Castiel frowns. _**Why would I purposefully try to forget my entire past?**_

_I have no idea. Of course, I am not the one staring blankly at a woman's severed torso.___

Castiel snaps out of his thoughts and is confronted with a black and white photo inches from his face. Dean is holding it and giving him a stern look, "so what do you think?"

"Oh," Castiel's eyes scan the greyscale gore and suppress a shudder. "I believe you are on the right track."

"Knew that blonde was sketchy, she definitely has a few skeletons in her closet." Dean nods to himself and turns his back to the angel so he can examine even more bloody photos. "Sam must just be blinded by the size of her rack."

_I never realized what a good poet Dean was._

_**Why can't you be nicer to him?**_

_To the hairless ape? It's not as if he's done anything for me lately._

_**He's very kind.**_

The voice goes silent, as if he finds Castiel's words ridiculous. _That's one way of putting it._

_**Dean and Sam have taken me in even in my current…condition.**_

_Taken you in? Castiel, this is a one star motel that probably has a rat problem. You're just useful to them._

_**You just don't understand.**_ Castiel shakes his head and risks a glance at Dean who is still explaining something about the case. _**Dean and Sam are just…**_

Castiel can't really find the words to describe it; it wasn't as if being around the Winchesters made him ecstatically happy necessarily. It was just the plain contentment he felt around them, before them he wandered around lost and confused, uneasy and afraid of the wide world around him. It seems like life would be perfect as long as he stayed with them.

_As touching as that is,_ the voice interrupts his thoughts, _I doubt they care much. After all they believe you to be a semi-emotionless angel. _

_**I'm their friend.**_

_Do _they_ know that?_

"Of course!" Castiel snaps.

"I know!" Dean eagerly agrees, looking back at Castiel over his shoulder. "I mean the answer has been staring us in the face the whole time. Of course the ghost wasn't that chick from the brothel."

_Just absorbed in his own little world._ The voice sighs.

_**If we were not friends I would not be here right now.**_

_If you say so._

_**I wasn't complete until I found this place.**_

The voice makes a small noise, Castiel isn't sure if it's one of disgust or revelation. _It sounds as if your feelings are a more than just friendly._

_**It's complicated.**_ Castiel admits.

_You should tell him all this._

_**What? No, no, Dean doesn't have a very high opinion of angels. I doubt he'd be able to overlook that part of me.**_

_Most people would consider personally knowing an angle to be an honour._

_**Not Dean. If you knew what they've been through already, to them an angel is an angel. Besides I'm not exactly a prime example of the heavenly host. Even if he wasn't so opposed to angels, he wouldn't look twice at me, I'm-**_

He's cut off before he can go into another speech about how awful he is. _For the love of- just _do_ it Castiel!_

"I've been searching for you," Castiel blurts out.

"Uh," Dean turns away from the wall of photos and looks at the angel. "You okay, Cas?"

"I was lost until I remembered you, I…" The voice in his head is laughing and it makes Castiel pause. "I had no idea who I was, what I was, but I remembered you. I remembered trying to find you in that- in that place."

Dean stiffens and his voice drops as if he's worried the entire motel might hear him. "You mean hell?"

Castiel nods. "Yes."

"Look," Dean begins and pushes on Castiel's shoulders until he sits down on the couch. "Me and Sam, we had no idea where you were. We thought you were _dead_, you should have seen the wreckage, half the block was just ash. I would have looked for you if I had thought there was any chance you were still alive."

"I know." Castiel can see the guilt swimming in Dean's eyes, it pinches at Castiel's heart, at the same time it warms him knowing that Dean cared enough to mourn his death. He knows not many would.

_Oh_, the voice chuckles.

**What?**

_I just hadn't thought your reasons for finding Dean were so…base._

**I found him because-**

_You want him_, the voice interrupts,_ it's adorable really._

Castiel doesn't deny it but he also knows it's meaningless. **It's irrelevant.**

_Is it?_

**I'm not sure. I knew before, there was a reason I never…** Castiel can't quite describe it, it's just a feeling that tells him that even _if_ Dean want him there is something else he wants more. **I just can't.**

_And you think if you stare at him long enough he'll finally notice you? _The voice scoffs. _If you want something you need to take it._

**He doesn't want me.** Castiel shakes his head that Dean doesn't seem to notice. **I'm…I'm not right, not anymore.**

Castiel's whole body starts to tingle, the way it does when the thing inside him takes over. He struggles against it, **stop**, Castiel begs knowing exactly what he's planning. He loses the battle and feels his body shift on the couch. He reaches for Dean, laying his hand on Dean's should and leans in. Dean looks confused, asks Castiel if everything is alright but instead of answers he gets the angel's lips pressed against his. Castiel can tell Dean's surprised, he's stalk still against Castiel and after a long tense moment he pulls away. Castiel body goes after him, reaching out to yank him back but Dean's hands on his chest stop him.

"What are you doing?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Castiel screams inside. The voice that comes out of his mouth isn't his voice and even the way his body moves, so smooth and confident, is completely wrong. Dean hardly seems to notice with the way Castiel's hands drag down his arms.

"Stop that," Dean knocks his hands away. "Look, you just come back from uh, wherever. You're tired and clearly confused."

"I know exactly what I'm doing," he grins before he pounces again.

**Stop! What are you doing!**

_Don't worry so much, little brother. I won't steel your precious hunter; I'm just warming him up for you._

"Dean," he says softly with Castiel's voice. "You just do not listen, do you? Do you really think this just the heat of the moment? Have you really never seen the way I look at you?"

Dean's tongue darts out to nervously lick his lip.

"And I see the way you look at me too," his hand grips Dean's knee, the hunter's eyes snap over and freeze on where they touch. "You've given your life up to save the world again and again. You deserve this, you deserve to be selfish for once.

_**Stop this**_. Castiel hisses.

_I'm not saying anything you wouldn't, little brother._

Castiel's hand slowly traces Dean's thigh with feather light touches, Castiel dreadfully thinks that Dean is seconds away from cracking and throwing him out in a rightful rage. Dean grabs Castiel's wrist and shakes his head but he doesn't meet Castiel eyes. "Don't do it for yourself then, do it for me."

"Cas," Dean says with weak conviction.

Castiel's body twists onto its knees, inside Castiel watches with batted breath that the voice may be right and Dean might secretly want this too. With his front plastered against Dean's side that smug entity weaves Castiel's fingers in Dean's short hair and puts his lips to the hunter's ear. "I went to hell for you. I died for you once, I was willing to do it again. From the moment I woke up on that road I've been searching for you; not because I had nowhere else to go but because there was no place else I'd rather be."

When Dean's lips collide with his it's both eye-opening and jarring, though part of him feels a weight lifted from his shoulder another part tells him that Dean isn't actually kissing _him._ Struggling against his own hands; hands that pull Dean close, hands that slip under the hunter's shirt, hands that leave tiny red marks across his back.

_Why are you fighting this? _The voice mumbles softly, sounding genuinely confused. _This is what you wanted._

_**Yes, but **_**you're**_** the one doing all this!**_

_If I waited for you to make a move, Dean would be on his death bed_.

Castiel's back hits the edge of the couch with a thud and Dean is quick to cover the angel's body with his own. He pulls away from their kiss only long enough to suck in a breath and peel his shirt off.

"I'll stop, if you want. Just, just say something and I'll- we don't have to do this," Dean babbles as his fingers yanks each of Castiel's buttons open. Castiel is taken back by the uncertainty in his voice, when has Dean Winchester ever had second thoughts about sex?

_Because he cares_.

A tiny laugh bubbles out from Castiel's chest and his hands slips in between them to unbuckle his belt. "Do you really think you have to worry about taking advantage of an angel? I could obliterate you with a snap of my fingers."

Dean raises an eyebrow at the angel's words, it seems off to him and Castiel wants to scream that he's right but instead he watches his arms wrap around Dean's shoulder and pull him back down.

_**Enough**_, Castiel says firmly, _**if you continue this I will never speak to you again.**_

The angel and the hunter are both down to their underwear, if Castiel still had any doubts about Dean's desire they are chased away with the hard press of him against his thigh. Castiel's arms fall limply to his side, Dean hardly notices as he tries to get as close to the angel as possible on the tiny, threadbare couch. Castiel still has no control over his body but at least that voice has stopped for now. There is a long, tense moment where he gets no answer but then a frustrated growl rings through his mind.

_Fine._

Castiel is thrown back into control so fast that he gasps out at the sudden shock. He feels Dean's lips stretch into a smile against his skin, mistaking the sound for something pleasurable. The feel of Dean's skin against his, the hot press of lips and the tantalizing way his fingers dance across the angel's hips, it hits him all at once. The sensation was nowhere near such intensity when he was simply floating around his mind.

"Dean," Castiel gasps out still dazed from the sudden intensity. The hunter only takes it as encouragement to keep going but Castiel gently pushes at his shoulders until Dean pulls away.

"What is it?" Dean pants. Castiel stares at the hunter and searches for any sign of doubt or hesitation. The voice in his head might have been right that his is what Castiel wanted but it wasn't the way to wanted it to happen. It was hardly Castiel that Dean was seduced by and he didn't want just meaningless sex, at the very least Dean needed to know that.

"Dean, I," Castiel swallows nervously. His hands glide up Dean's shoulders and cup around his face. "I love you."

Dean leans back, resting on his heels he looks down at the angel with a look that Castiel can't place. Just when Castiel thinks that Dean is going to turn around and reject him, he just slowly nods and takes Castiel's hand. "Come on."

Dean tugs Castiel to his feet, both of them still nearly naked, and pulls him over to the beds. Castiel opens his mouth to say more but Dean quiets him with a press of his lips. Dean rids himself of his pants and Castiel mimics him before the hunter pushes him back onto the bed. Dean leans across the bed and rifles around in his duffle bag, returning with one of his hands already covered in slick. He fits himself between Castiel's legs and pauses momentarily to stroke the angel's thigh before he slips a finger inside. Castiel shivers at the electric new feeling but Dean holds still inside him, waiting for Castiel reaction before he continues, and Castiel impatiently juts his hips forward and forces Dean's finger in deeper.

The hunter chuckles at Castiel's eagerness and covers his body with his own, a sweet burn follows as his finger begins stroking Castiel's insides. The angels moans but Dean captures his lips and silences him. A few moments later, Dean added another finger and something seemed to switch on inside Castiel. He grabs Dean's face and pulls him down again, kissing his mouth open and pushing his tongue against the hunter's. It isn't the soft, chaste kisses he had used before and Dean responded eagerly, placing a hand on the back of Castiel neck and gently tugging at his hair. Castiel pushes one his legs over Dean's hip and wiggles down on his fingers, wanting _more, more, more._

"I'm ready," Castiel mummers against Dean's lips.

"Not yet," Dean grunts.

"_Dean_," Castiel literally whines, "Please."

Dean's lips twist in a slight grimace but he complies, withdraws his fingers and after a moment that seemed to stretch on for eternity, lines himself up with Castiel's entrance. The feeling is strange at first and not anything like he had expected but then Dean grabs his hips, lifting him up slightly and pushes in again. Castiel arches beneath Dean when the hunter nudges against his prostate. He cries out a jumble of words and whatever he says makes a smug grin break out across Dean's face.

With each movement of his hips Dean loses a little more of the self-control that had made his actions towards Castiel slow and easy. It didn't take long for him to devolve into fast, bruising movements as Castiel moans and begs beneath him. Castiel's fingers dig into Dean's shoulders, who hisses at the roughness and Castiel forces himself to let go when all he wants to do is hold on. Instead he lets his hands wander over the hunter's tanned skin and relish in the sounds he's able to drag out of Dean.

Castiel's fingers brush raised skin on Dean's arm and it sends an electric jolt through him, he yanks away but the hunter above him is too caught up in the angel to notice. Hesitantly he touches it again, it feels familiar and something stirs in the recesses of his mind. The longer his holds onto Dean's arm the stronger the force inside him grows. While the hunter is lost in physical pleasure, Castiel's mind begins to knit itself back together. He shudders against the sudden explosion of information, the entire history of the world, all of earth's components down to the tiny proteins and even smaller atoms, every angel in heaven is burned into him mind.

Dean wraps his fingers around Castiel and slowly strokes him but the angel hardly feels it, too lost in his own mind. He only manages to be wrenched out of his memory when a shudder passes through his body and he spills thick white ropes across his and Dean's stomachs. Dean lets out a strangled moan as his release follows close behind the angel's.

The hunter collapses on Castiel, both out of breath but for two very different reasons. Dean's hands still roam over Castiel's skin, seeking more contact but Castiel just lays limp on the bed, mind still reeling. Dean pushes himself up onto his elbows and looks at Castiel. "You okay?"

Castiel nods and Dean gives him a lopsided smile before he rolls onto his back and stretches out his tight muscles. He must take Castiel's awed expression as proof of a job well done and doesn't question him any further, instead he just draws the covers over them and lays back down.

There seems to be an entire universe between Dean and Castiel, what was actually inches stretched into eons with Castiel's new memories. There were still holes, tiny bits he hadn't found yet, but he remembers heaven and being sent into the pit. He remembers rebelling and falling so he could fight for Earth.

Next to him Dean silently drifted off to sleep, unaware of the millenniums darting through Castiel's mind. He watches all the years pass, over and over, it's both awe-inspiring and terrifying.

When he finally manages to close his eyes, he for once knows exactly where he's going.

_Bird tweet, a warm breeze blows and Castiel is back in the same garden where his very first dream was. Lying amongst the lush green grass, Castiel isn't surprised to see a familiar face looming over him._

"_That wasn't so bad was it?" He smiles down at Castiel. _

_Castiel ignores him turns onto his side._

"_Oh, don't be like that," he sighs. "I only did what you wanted."_

_Castiel feels a hand run up his arm. "I did not ask you to do that."_

"_You enjoyed it regardless."_

_Castiel twists back onto his back, the amused look on his lips makes the angel grimace. He hesitates before speaking. "I know who you are."_

"_Do you now?" He reaches up and runs his knuckles gently over Castiel's cheek._

"_Yes, I remember now. You're…" Castiel trails off as the other man leans down, barely managing to finish his sentence before their lips touch. "You're Lucifer."_

"Castiel!" Castiel snaps out of his sleep as Dean violently shake him. "You were talking in your sleep."

"Was I?"

"Yeah," Dean pauses and searches Castiel's face for something, he can feel the uncertainty ooze off Dean. "You were talking about Lucifer."

"Oh," is all Castiel says. He turns over so his back faces Dean, away from the hunter's scrutiny, and pulls the covers above his shoulder.

"What happened?"

"It was just a dream," Castiel whispers. Dean yanks him onto his back and Castiel doesn't try to pull away.

"Before you disappeared." Dean clarifies. The grip on his arm tightens and he can see Dean's jaw clench in an effort to keep calm. "What happened?"

"I told you-"

"And I don't believe you."

_So untrusting_. That voice, Lucifer's voice, suddenly pipes up. Castiel flinches at the sound,

Dean just keep staring at him, eyes dark and stony, Castiel thinks he'll just ignore Sam and keep trying to drag answers out of him. On the last ring Dean finally pulls away and picks up, "What?"

Castiel sags in relief against the over worn bed. He can hear the voice, Lucifer, laughter ring through his head.


	4. Chapter 4

If Castiel didn't have memories of Dean and him having sex in that dirty motel room he could have sworn it never happened. It is obvious that Dean doesn't fully trust him, he knows that Castiel isn't being completely truthful and his best way of dealing with it is too avoid him.

Yet, on that particular day there seemed to be many more unspoken problems than just Dean's suspicions. When Dean and Sam came back from finally getting rid of the cost they've been hunting, there is a heavy silence between them. They return with coffee and greasy fast food and when they lay the food on the table, Sam's fingers brushes Dean's and the older brother quickly yanks his hand away. Sam frowns at the action but doesn't comment on it.

Dean grabs the third bag off the table and turns to Castiel. "Hey, you hungry?"

"I'm never hungry," Castiel tells him bluntly.

Dean rolls his eyes and sets the food back on the table. "Just eat the damn food, Cas."

The angel rises from the couch and goes to sit with the Winchesters, dumping the contents of his bag on the table and spilling the fries everywhere.

"Smooth," Dean mumbles under his breath and Sam shoots a glare at him.

Castiel quickly puts all the French fries back into the container and grabs one of the coffees. Sam unwraps his burger and lifts the bun to check that everything he wanted was there. Castiel mimics Sam's actions even though he doesn't know what should be in a burger in the first place. When Sam shoves a few fries into his mouth, Castiel begins to nibble on his own and when he sees Dean dip his fries in ketchup he reaches across the table to put his half eaten fry in the red liquid. Dean makes a face, sticks his hand into his burger bag and pulls out a handful of ketchup packs which he then throws at Castiel.

They eat in relative silence, it makes Castiel a little uneasy as they usually have already picked a new case to work on or at least a direction to start driving in at this point. Instead Dean keeps his eyes firmly glued on his food and doesn't speak to his brother. Sam's eyes keep glances up at Dean and occasionally he opens his mouth to speak but no words come out.

_Hm,_ Lucifer hums idly, _do you think perhaps, the reason you never went after Dean was because Sam so obviously wants in his pants?_

"What?" Castiel sputters, choking on a mouthful of coffee.

Dean and Sam both look up from their meals and Castiel accidently spills his cup. Dean cusses and lifts his burger up just before the brown puddles reaches it. Sam grabs a handful of paper towels from the counter and wipes it across the mess. "Are you okay, Cas?"

"Yes, yes, just-" Castiel coughs again. "It was much hotter than I had anticipated."

**That was crude, Lucifer. Why would you say something like that?**

_Please tell me you are not so oblivious that you don't see it._

**They're brothers.**

_You'd be surprised how little that matters._

Castiel looks between the two brothers and though the tension between them was thick enough to cut with a knife, he found it hard to imagine it had anything to do with sex.

Sam finishes cleaning up Castiel's mess and it's only then that Castiel realizes that he didn't help clean up the spill. Sam tosses the dirty towels and in the garbage and then grabs his coat off the chair. "I'm…going to go out."

Dean's only response is to grunt and take another bite of his burger.

"Where are you going?" Castiel asks.

"Just out." Sam gives Castiel a tense smile. "Need some fresh air."

"Oh." Castiel looks over at Dean who doesn't show any interest in the conversation. "Well, we will see you later then."

Sam nods, slips on his jacket and rushes to the door.

"Is something wrong?" Castiel inquires ones he's sure Sam is out of hearing distance.

"No."

"It's just that you and Sam seem-"

"Just leave it alone, Cas."

"Is it…" Castiel trails off, unsure if he should press the issue. "Is it about me?"

Dean lets out a harsh laugh and rises from his chair. "Sam doesn't know about _that_."

Castiel frowns at the

way Dean refers to their night together but brushes it off. "Perhaps we should talk about it."

"What's there to talk about?" Dean shoves the garbage on the table into one of the take out bags.

"You've been…distant since then."

Dean rolls his eyes and tosses the bags into the trash. "I've been working a case."

"I am just concerned that you're upset."

"It's no big deal, Cas," Dean sighs. He yanks the fridge open and puts Sam's uneaten food in it.

"No big deal?"

"Yeah, I don't know why you're trying to turn it into one."

"I told you I loved you."

"Yeah." Dean slams the fridge door. "Which is why I spent the night with you instead of just bending you over and fucking you."

Castiel flinches at Dean's harsh tone and he's suddenly thrown back into the recesses of his mind as Lucifer takes over. Lightning fast hands knock Dean against the fridge, Castiel's hand wrapped tightly around his collar.

"If you _ever_ speak to me like that again," Lucifer growls. Dean looks shocked for a moment before he tries to shove the angel off him.

"You'll do what?" Dean snaps. He's too weak to push the angel away and gives up with a frustrated sigh. Still Lucifer keeps his grip tight on Dean, still seething at the hunter's words. "What's wrong with you?"

"Me?" Lucifer laughs harshly. "You're the one that-"

"The old you never would have acted this way," Dean cuts him off.

_**Lucifer, let me handle this.**_

_But-_

_**Now.**_ Castiel says firmly and for once his brother doesn't argue and quietly gives Castiel control again. Castiel releases his hold on Dean and steps back, eyes darting to the floor in apology. "I should not have acted like that."

Dean grits his teeth and his hands curl into fists at his sides. "You think you can just flash around your angel powers every time something doesn't go the way you want?"

"No, Dean I-"

Dean stops towards the door and ignores Castiel. "there's no point talking to if you're gonna slam me against something every time you don't like what you hear."

Castiel tries to go after him but Dean is already in his car by the time Castiel realizes he's slammed the door in the angel's face. For a second too long Castiel simply stares at the rickety door, sure that Dean will return any second and apology.

When he realizes that his hopes were foolishly placed he goes back to the table and picks at his cold, half eaten food. Behind him the door slowly creeks open and Sam's voice drifts in.

"What was that about?" Sam asks. "Dean nearly ran me over, pulling out of the parking lot."

"I thought you were going out."

"I just walked around the block." Sam shrugs off his coat and tosses on the bed. "What's Dean so upset about?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Sam sits down on his bed and kicks his shoes off. "…It wasn't about me, was it?"

"No, Sam," Castiel sadly shakes his head. "I'm afraid I might have pushed Dean a bit too far."

"No," Sam shakes his head. "It's my fault. I brought up a touchy subject after we roasted that ghost."

_Touchy indeed._

_**Stop it, Lucifer.**_

"Whatever." Sam stands up from the bed and stretches his arms above his head. "Just you and me for a while, I guess."

"You don't think Dean will be back soon?"

Sam laughs and drops down into the chair next to Castiel. "I think Dean is going to get smashed a the closet bar and go home with the easiest red-head."

Castiel's heart drops at Sam's words, though he knows the hunter is only making a joke and has no idea what went on between his brother and Castiel a few nights ago, it still leaves a bad taste in his mouth.

"Hey," Sam nudges Castiel arm and gives him a warm smile. "Don't look so down, Dean never stays mad long."

Sam reaches into his bag and brings out an old ratty green book. "I guess I might as well finish this before I return to that professor I uh 'borrowed' it from. I have some other books, if you want to read anything?"

"No, I'll just sit here." Sam's smile twitches a little at Castiel's strange response but cracks open is book and doesn't mention it.

_This is actually a perfect opportunity._

_**For what?**_

_You're choice of Winchester was clearly a hit-and-miss. Perhaps it's time we tried things my way._

_**Pardon.**_

_You wanted Dean_. Lucifer tells him. Castiel understands the implications, he knows he would still be stealing sideway glances if he wasn't given a push. Castiel knows without Lucifer he wouldn't have Dean. _And now I want him._

_**I can't do that to Sam**_. Castiel fidgets nervously with his coat, Sam looks up from his book after noticing the stretched out silence.

_I have a feeling Sam wouldn't mind much_. Lucifer laughs and it makes Castiel look up into Sam's eyes. He sees something there, a tiny spark before the hunter ducks his head back down into his book, something he had seen in Dean's eyes too. A small twinge of longing for something you don't deserve, Castiel is sure someone else would see the same look in his own eyes whenever the Winchesters were around.

_**I made my choice**_. Castiel says weakly.

_And is it the right choice?_

_**I don't know**_. He admits. _**I thought Dean had wanted me to but now…**_

_He wasn't exactly a prince earlier, was he? _Lucifer prompts.

_**It's more than that though. Sam and Dean they…**_

_What is it?_

_**The Winchesters are two sides of the same coin, they're not complete without the other and you can't simply choose one.**_

_So greedy, Little Thursday. Now you want both of them?_ Lucifer laughs.

"Are you okay?" Sam asks, snapping Castiel back into reality.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"You've seemed a little out of it since you got back," Sam points out. Sam's concern gives Castiel a warm feeling and he can't help the barely there smile that break across his lips.

"Are you worried about me?" Castiel moves his chair closer, barely even a few inches but Sam's whole demeanor changes with the slight change.

"Well," Sam coughs and closes his book. "Of course I am."

"I admit, things have been…strange the last few weeks."

"I bet." Sam gives him a small smile. "Are you remembering more?"

"Pieces come to me, a little more every day, but there are still some holes." Castiel chooses to not count that as a lie, instead of pieces he has nearly every memory back. Yet he knows if he admits to it that they will question him about what happened with Lucifer and he isn't ready to reveal that yet.

_You could lean over right now, he's so close_. Lucifer pushes.

_**Lucifer**_. He sighs tiredly.

"It'll come back," Sam assures him. "We'll help you."

_Yes,_ he snorts, _I bet you will_.

Castiel shakes his head which makes Sam frown slightly, he probably thinks that Castiel is upset with him and Castiel is quick to correct it. "I know, I appreciate it. I was…I was lost without you two."

Castiel knows it sounds feeble and he can practically feel Lucifer roll his eyes at the comment. Yet it's completely true, he's spend the whole time he was away trying to find something and once he realized what that was he just couldn't rest till he found the Winchesters. At first he had thought it was only Dean he needed but when he was the pathetically tortured look on Sam's face when they returned from their hunt he realized that he wanted both of them to be happy. He wants to make Sam feel needed and he wants to make Dean feel safe.

Sam gets a sort of lopsided grin and his eyes drop down. "Well we're not going anywhere."

_Oh, enough of this._ Lucifer is doing it again, pushing Castiel aside and moving around in his skin. It's also so jarring when Lucifer does this, to have to watch your body move of its own accord, not being able to stop it.

"Sam," Lucifer says softly and he takes Sam's hand in his own. "You've always been so kind to me."

"It's hard not to be," Sam laughs.

"I don't know of many decent human beings." Lucifer leans in and Sam instinctively pulls back a little.

"You don't know many humans in general." Sam has a look in his eyes, he's picking up on 'Castiel's' intention yet at the same time denying it. Sam's hidden insecurities used to make Castiel ache, made him want to explain to Sam just how fantastic he really was. Now it just seemed like Lucifer was a lion drawing in a lamb.

Lucifer yanks on Sam's hand and pulls him in, tangles his hand in Sam's hair and slams their lips together. Castiel struggles against his brother, Lucifer just doesn't understand the Winchesters enough to know the damage he'll cause doing this. Lucifer pushes back and it causes Castiel to drift in and out. One moment their kissing at the table and the next there on the lumpy motel bed.

_**I don't want it to be like this.**_ Castiel begs his brother. He feels the faintest sensation from Sam's touches and he can't deny he wants it, needs it, can't deny that it's something he's always thought about but it shouldn't happen this way. The least he can give Sam is all of him and anything less would an insult to a hunter who's already risked his life for the good of the world

_Fine_. A growl rings in his ears and he's snapped back into his body, feeling the weight of Sam above him and the hot press of his mouth of Castiel's neck. "Sam, wait."

Sam tenses and pulls back, pushes up onto his elbows and looks down at Castiel. The angel stares at the hunter in a way that would have disturbed anyone else. He runs his thumb over Sam's cheek but it doesn't chase away that look in his eyes, Sam who doesn't think he's good enough for another human must think he's an insect compared to Castiel.

The angel's heart clenches in empathy, he wants Sam to see himself the way Castiel sees him. He wants Sam to know just how worthy he is, that he deserves the stars themselves.

"I love you," Castiel blurts out. He expects Sam to pull away, expects that it's too much, too soon. Instead his eyes brighten and he smiles, he leans down and kisses Castiel's forehead, before moving down to kiss his neck.

Castiel decides he can worry about the repercussions later.

Castiel stares up at the ceiling, it's too dark for human eyes to see but Castiel counts every tiny dot in each tile.

Next to him, Sam sleep peacefully with his arm draped over Castiel's torso. Where Dean had rushed into sex, Sam had stopped them before they went much farther than kissing. Clearly concerned that Castiel should take something like that more slowly and insisted that there would be plenty of time for that later. Much to Lucifer's frustration they ended up spending more time talking than they did touching and after a long day Sam ended up just falling asleep next to him.

Now, it was close to three in the morning and Dean still hadn't returned.

Castiel's mind keeps repeating Sam's words and wondering if maybe that _was_ what Dean was doing. As much as he realizes the rudeness of thinking of someone's brother while in bed with them, he couldn't help the panic that was slowly over taking him. Castiel carefully lifts Sam's off of him and stands, tossing one last look at the sleeping hunter before he leaves.

With most of him in tacked it is hard to remember what had made flying so difficult to him before. Such a simple concept; think of a place and be there, he thinks of Dean and finds himself, as Sam predicted, in front of the nearest bar. He opens the door and is hit with a wall of some and the smell of cheap booze.

"I hope you're not here for an apology," Dean snorts when Castiel finds him sitting at the bar and curled around a bottle of whisky.

"Have you been sitting here all night?"

"Most of it," Dean shrugs and pours himself another drink.

"Are Sam and I so awful to be around?"

Dean finishes his shot and slams the glass on the table. "Really not the place to be discussing this."

"Is this because my vessels male?"

Dean laughs at the way Castiel's voice drops into a whisper. "That's the least of my problems."

"Then what is the problem?"

"Look this 'thing' we have," Dean pours Castiel a drink but he doesn't take it, "if you're expecting it to create some deep, lasting change in me, then you are in for a disappointment. I'm the same jackass I was before we fucked."

"Oh," is all Castiel manages to say. A sour feeling creeps up on him, this is the moment that Dean tells him it was all a mistake.

"It's not going to be some epic romance," Dean starts before knocking back another shot. "It's not going to be some touchy-feely chick flick where we hold hands all day and give each other chocolate and give each other flowers every night."

"I don't believe that average couples behave like that…"

"Shut up, Cas," Dean rolls his eyes. "We're not a couple, I don't have _time_ for that because the worlds ending. So if you're looking for a run of the mill human affair, you're going to have to find another motel room to crash in."

Panic rises up in Castiel's throat thinking this is the moment where Dean kicks him out and tells Castiel he isn't worth the effort of keeping him around. Dean strums his fingers against the table and frowns at Castiel's frazzled expression. "If you stay then you're going to have to accept that this is just the way it is for us."

Castiel's hope lightens slightly at the words. "But there is an _us_, then?"

"Hey, don't get all excited now." Dean chastises. Still he leans in and the look in Dean's eyes is authentic if not as soft as Castiel would have hoped. "But you're my family, Cas."

_Do you have sex with all your family members? _Lucifer chimes in after a long absence.

"And I…" Dean trails off and looks down to where Castiel's hands lay on the table. He hesitantly brushes the tips of his fingers over Castiel's palm, a barely there gesture that someone who didn't know Dean might have completely over looked. "I could get used to you sticking around for a while."

Castiel's face breaks into a grin, Dean clearly isn't used to such strong expression from the angel because the tiny smile he gives back is a strained. Castiel knows it isn't much and from anyone else it would have seemed insincere but Castiel knew that you couldn't reasonably expect a love confession from Dean Winchester unless someone was about to die.

"I'd like that," Castiel says softly.

"Great." Dean picks up another shot and slams it back. "Now, I'm going to drink and play pool till I chase this cheesy chick flick feeling away. You go fly off back to Sammy and try to keep out of trouble."

Dean grins at him before hoping off the bar stool and walking over to the pool table, throwing a thumbs up back at Castiel. The angel's happy feeling is quickly chased off with the mention of the younger Winchester, the one whose bed he had been in not an hour ago. Without the rush of lust coursing through his veins, the real weight of his actions settles over him.

_You certainly know how to get yourself in to trouble, don't you?_


End file.
